I don't know how I am going to do this.

I have been looking forward to today for weeks. I would be going home to spend the day with Mom and Ash for Mother's Day. Those two ladies are my life and I love them with all of my heart. I have been missing them like crazy lately.

I got home around noon, gave mom her gift and then Ash and I took her to People's Forest for a picnic in the beautiful sunshine. Somehow, the conversation turned to money as it usually does and I was fed up. My car is broken again and desperately needs to be fixed, my dentist bill came in, my credit card bill is due soon and I need to start paying for car insurance again when I go home for the summer. Ahhhh! I am often very frustrated with the whole idea of money, especially the fact that I just don't have much of it to pay for the things I need to pay for. However, I was more frustrated that the day I had been so excited about had been casted over by a cloud of negativity.

Since I have accepted God into my life and begun to follow Jesus, I haven't been around my family much. They are still in awe that I am going to church and they haven't really seen the change and growth in me.

I felt like all of a sudden I didn't fit in with my family anymore. I felt like this summer is going to be very difficult. My mom was acting supportive of me and asking me about St. Paul's but then told me that she wants me to find a church near home because I shouldn't be driving out there every weekend. I told her that I was going to commute to St. Paul's because I love it there and have found a sense of family in that church. When it came to my sister, she kind of gave me the "where is my sister and what have you done with her" attitude. She was not mean to me or anything, just kept saying that it was so weird that I go to church and that she didn't want to come with me.

I don't know how I am going to do this. I have no idea how I am going to move through this summer. I will not just go through the motions that those at home expect of me. Going to work, eating dinner, going out to play pong at my friend's houses everynight. I refuse to just walk through the mundane parts of a day for the entire summer.

I will continue this walk that I started a few months ago. I will spend a lot of time reading and reflecting, listening to those who will talk and talking to those who will listen. I will appreciate each day that I am given and look through the hard times at the lessons that need to be learned. I will continue to grow and prepetuate unconditional love. I just really hope that I am able to open up my eyes everyday and see God in all that I do, because this summer is really going to be a challenge.

So, at the beginning of this post, I had no idea how I would do this, and I have since proposed some ideas for what I hope to do. That is one of the many things I love about blogging, journaling, having a talk with yourself, or a talk with God-- you usually come up with a possible solution or two, which is very very comforting.

Please leave suggestions as to how you think I can make this summer even more positive in spite of all of the resistance from others. I could really use your help. Thank you.

we learn best when we..

-open our eyes
-listen to others
-close our mouths
-step outside our comfort zone
-take the time to understand
-read
-reflect
-question what we hear
-take in our surroundings
-challenge a statement we disagree with
-make mistakes
-observe those who are wise

We learn better when we try.

Rain.

Replenishing
Cold
Water
Washing
Wet
Refreshing
Cleansing
Flowing
Beautiful
Devoted
Helpful

RAIN.
_________________________________________

Have you ever watched a child play in the rain? Possibly one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. They are intrigued by the water and how it falls into the already formed puddles. They beg to be able to jump in them and even after I say no, they do it anyway with that beautiful little "What are you going to do about it" smirk. I can't do anything other than smile in this moment. At the little man finding so much joy in something that most people can't stand.

The common response after someone looks out the window and sees that it's raining is "Ugh, what a crappy day." And sometimes, I agree with that. After being spoiled with a week full of nothing but sunshine and 80 degree beautiful weather, I hated to see the clouds rolling in and pouring out the rain too.

But there is so much beauty in rain. Whether it is just a sprinkle, a shower, a downpour or a thunder storm.. there is beauty.

There is beauty in the way it runs down the streets like a small stream.. Beauty in the way it drips off of the leaves of the trees or the flowers that have just bloomed.. Beauty in the way it falls upon my face as I turn my head up to the sky. It is refreshing to feel the cool wetness on my face.

It is peaceful to stand in a place and just appreciate the rainy day rather than feel hindered by it.

switching gears?

So, summer is approaching. There are only 2 days left of classes and then only about a week and a half that I will be here at school! My feelings about this are nothing but ambivalent. One moment I am so excited to have classes over and be done for the semester, the next second I am upset that I will be away from it all. Part of me is looking forward to my summer at home, the other half is longing to remain in the place I am now.

I wrestle with my thoughts and feelings about it many times during the day and this is what I have come up with..

This semester has been absolutely monumental for me. I have grown so much and really found myself and my niche in this world. I have been embracing every moment at St. Paul's and with my friends here at Eastern and all of my time spent serving with PHP members. I haven't been home much this semester at all which has caused me to grow even closer to this community. BUT, I am ready for the summer. I realize that I will keep in touch with my friends over the summer, they aren't going anywhere. I will be coming up to go to St. Paul's every Sunday so I won't need to miss that! And when I come back in the fall, I will be co-leading PHP with two of the greatest guys I know.

No matter where I go, whether it is across campus, to the other side of Willimantic, back to Torrington or around the world, God is always with me and if I open my eyes I will see him working all around me. No matter where I go I will go with a heart full of love and compassion. I will serve God's people. I will help myself by helping others.

Sometimes I regret not applying to be a summer RA or a SOC, but then I find myself realizing that I will find a way to make serving apart of my summer. I already have plans for helping out Nathan with a fundraiser for the Haitian Health Foundation that I am very excited about.

I will miss Eastern. I will miss RAing. I will miss Andrew. I will miss Joanna and Emilyn. I will miss Kim. I will miss Bob. I will miss Lyon Manor. I will miss the coffee mission. There are lots of things I will miss.. but they will all be here when I get back.

And I have a lot to look forward to at home.

Summer, here I come. New and improved.

Problem Solving.

This past week in my Cognitive Psychology class, Prof Moreno began lecturing on problem solving and how we humans go about doing it. He described a bunch of the specifics, but also pointed out something that really struck me even though it may seem obvious:

Sometimes, finding the solution to a problem greatly depends on overcoming the mindset you have when presented with it.

He went on to talk about this in technical terms and in accordance with a mathematical problem, but my mind wandered in another direction.

On a day to day basis, when we are faced with a problem, if we had been having a good day prior to that, we may have a clearer sense of how to resolve the issue at hand. On the other hand, had we been having somewhat of a bad day, we may approach the problem with less patience.

Something else caught my attention (as if I'm not supposed to be paying perfect attention to the entire lecture haha). Prof Moreno described functional fixedness as only being able to see tools for problem solving serving the primary function they do in everyday life. In other words, we are unable to use things for purposes other than what they made for, regardless of their ability to be used in other ways.

So, quick recap- our ability to solve a problem depends on our mental set (the mindset we have when presented with the problem) and our inability to be flexible with the tools we are given.

What if we could get out of such mindsets and be open and clever enough to use tools we were given in new and inventive ways?

What if we could step outside of the box and look at the big picture in order to formulate the best solution?

What if we took this knowledge that has been proven by psychologists and find a way to overcome this natural process?

Perhaps problems would be solved quicker, easier and with longer lasting effects.

Food For Thought

I have recently started reading a book which was highly recommended to me. It is Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus. Although I have only read 2 chapters so far, it is full of amazing insight and thought provoking messages.

Here are a few of my favorites so far:

"We have defined holiness through what we separate ourselves from rather than what we give ourselves to."

"While God leaves us with many choices to make, when He has spoken, the one right choice it to obey."

"There is a tragic reality in that many times the very things God blesses us with become obstacles to seizing divine moments."

"The practicality of the life of faith is that you begin making wiser choices."

"The challenges you are willing to face will rise in proportion to the character you are willing to develop."

"When you are madly in love with God, you can do whatever you want."

McManus is just full of such passion and puts together his ideas so wonderfully. It speaks straight to my heart. I am really looking forward to the rest of this book!

Alone? I think not.

“What can I do for you. What questions do you have?” One of my closest friends asked me this last night when we were just hanging out, getting into the word and journaling a bit. “Umm, nothing really. I think that as I continue reading the bible that I will have questions. And I have yet come to that place in my journey where I have any doubts or major struggles.” That was my response.

It was like God heard me and chuckled a little and realized that maybe I better get a quick look at the not so beautiful. “Today” started with me praying before bed that my hours of rest would rejuvenate me and help me to prepare for the rest of the day. I woke up and prayed that I would see God in more parts of my day than I had in the previous. It started off great. I enjoyed the beautiful weather, worked on the Better World Books service project and went out with Mae for a bit. Then I had class and shortly after that headed to Lyon Manor with my PHP friends.

This is where it gets weird. I love community service. I love my PHPeople. I love playing UNO with the residents of Lyon Manor. I love seeing the smiles on their faces that I can picture usually looking much sadder. I love the feeling of helping others. Yet, I was not happy. I was not feeling loving. I felt cold and angry and annoyed.

The worst part- I had no idea why. I got on the van and came back to campus the same way. People were in the back seat dancing and singing and having a great time and I was praying, asking for an answer as to why in the world I couldn’t get a smile on my face and stop acting so ridiculous.

I opened the door to my room, fell onto my bed and wept. Again- with no idea why. I stayed on my bed like this for a long time. Wondering why.

All of a sudden, an immense feeling of loneliness came over me. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to hug. Nobody to hold me. Just nobody. I contemplated just crawling under my covers and crying until I fell asleep, but something inside me told me get up and get out.

I went to the Student Center where they serve pancakes every Thursday night. I brought along a book and my journal, figuring that I would just get something to eat and sit alone reading and writing. (Usually I look forward to this, but tonight it was more just to keep my busy). I walked into the Café reluctantly, and the first thing I saw was Andrew’s smiling face. He greeted me with a huge hug and from there, we really enjoyed the night together. I saw God in this moment, in a big way.

Looking back (even though it was just earlier tonight), do I think that this was a huge struggle? No, not really. Was it difficult to feel angry and very upset and not no why? Yes, extremely.

It’s as though God just wanted to show me that it’s not always going to be rainbows and butterflies, and I am thankful for this glimpse of something different.

Crying in my bed overcome with feelings of loneliness. I have learned that in these times, I need to just take a deep breath and talk to God. He is always there. Always listening. Whenever. Wherever.