I don't get it.

Two times in two days.

First, a very good friend of mine who I have been close to for over 2 years told me that I wasn't sincere in telling him that I love him. I asked him why, upset and confused about his statement and he snapped back "because you throw around the word to everyone and so loosely".

Second, my ex boyfriend of 3 years explained that he didn't understand why I wanted to hang out with him. I explained that it is because he was a very good friend of mine and I would like to maintain that friendship. He went on to explain that he couldn't hang out with me because he doesn't know who I am, that "my entire existence is formulated on the gratifications of others and serving others".

Wow.

I have learned that loving is so much more than an intimate feeling between two lovers, or an evergrowing bond between a daughter and her mother or an established relationship between friends. Yes, love is all of these things, but as I touched on in a previous post, there is so much more meaning; at least in my heart. This is not to say that because I show acts of love to many more people than I used to that my close friends and family are loved and less or that my love for them is suddenly insincere. If anything, over the past few months I have strengthened the most important relationships in my life and enhanced that love.

And along with loving comes serving. Helping other people is something that I have loved doing since I was young. From helping my mom as a child, to being there for my friends when they needed advice.. and now it has grown and matured and I am so thankful. I am so grateful that I do all of the serving that I do. I know that I spend a lot of time doing it, but to say that entire existentence is made up of the gratifications of other people really stung.

It made it out to seem like I am a people pleaser, which reminded me of a recent verse I have read in the Bible.

Am I now trying to win human approval, or God's approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. -Galatians 1:10

I highlighted this passage when meditating on His word the other night and recognized that at a point in my life (middle school-ish) I was certainly a people pleaser.. but weren't we all at some point? Always wanted to be recognized for my grades, told "good job" and what not. Now, I prefer to serve when few to nobody else knows about it. I have learned over the years that it isn't important to be praised. Yes, my aim is to make the people I am serving happy, but for goodness sake, is that a bad thing?

Am I awful for loving? For serving? For growing?

Please, don't feel as though I am asking for you to comment on this and tell me "Chels, you're a great person" or "You do great things to help others and that's awesome". I am venting. I am frustrated. I simply thank you for listening.

"Are you afraid of being afraid?"

So, it has been a beautiful start to my summer (which if you recall, I was dreading). I’ve spent a lot of time with my family, seen my friends a couple of times and enjoyed the sun.

I headed over to a neighborhood park just a couple days ago to read Chasing Daylight. When I arrived, I was the only person at the park, but within just a few minutes there were kids running everywhere. It made me miss the children from my old job, but after watching them for a few minutes, I turned back to the inspirational message of Erwin McManus.

After a few more minutes of reading, I overheard a conversation that two girls were having on the jungle gym about 20 feet away from my blanket.

“Aren’t you scared to climb up to the top?”
“No, I’m not scared.”
“Are you fearless?”
“What?”
“I think you’re afraid of being afraid.”

Now at first, I laughed inside and a little outside. Neither of these girls could have been any older than 8 years old and they seemed to be having such a philisophical conversation. As I went to turn back to my reading I asked myself, “Are you afraid of being afraid?” This caused me to pause for quite a while.

Normally, when people list their fears they include things like spiders, bugs, sharks, open water, the dark, drowning, dying, etc. When I am faced with this question, I can never really come up with a definite answer. And no, this is not because I try to be fearless and can’t admit to being afraid of things. It is simply because I haven’t found something that I am truly “deathly afraid” of. Sure, I don’t really like spiders and bugs and I wouldn’t be happy face to face with a shark. In the pitch black or open water I’m not sure if I would comfort and drowning or dying are not exactly pleasant in my mind.

When I asked myself “Chelsea, are you afraid of being afraid?”, I found my fear. I don’t want to be scared or worried, paranoid or afraid.

Perhaps this means I am a coward. I am certainly not proud of this, but I can say that now that I am conscious of it, I will step out of my comfort zone. I will put myself into situations where I am uncomfortable, afraid, uneasy, nervous, worried, paranoid—whatever.

I am ready to face challenges and go after the difficult.

I learned a lot from this young girl. I discovered my fear and since discovering it, I have found out that the only way to go after what is important, is to look this fear straight in the eye and conquer it.

This lesson I learned on a sunny afternoon from a young girl is one that has God’s name written all over it. There I was reading a book all about seizing divine moments, wondering how all of it would fit into my life specifically, and I was handed the tools needed to go out and find that purpose. Light was shed on the fact that I need to face this new found fear of being afraid before I could go out and seize divine moments. Now it all makes perfect sense.

What if.

"What if I climbed that mountain, what if I swam to that shore

What if every battle was victorious then would you love me more, would you love me more

What if I were everyone’s first choice, what if I went farther than before

What if I stood high above the rest than would you love me more , would you love me more"

The above lyrics are from the song "What If" by Jadon Lavik. I came across this song while listening to "95.5 The Fish" online. The first words "what if" flooded my mind and brought a smile to my face. It has become somewhat of a theme for my thoughts over the past month or so. As you can see, if you scroll down a bit on my blog page- there are a list of "what ifs". I have also posted about a few of them over the past few weeks, journaled a lot about it and been praying that I can see God in a new way each day that I implement a new "what if".

This song, however, takes a different look at the power of "what if". Instead of using it as a phrase to suggest endless possibilities for change, it is used to discuss the limits of God's love. The trick- there are no limits to His love. If we climbed every mountain, swam to every shore, won every battle, etc.-- God would not love us more. Why? Because he can't. He already loves us with all that He can. It is an unconditional love greater than any other. A love that I am so thankful, every single day to be covered in.

The lyrics go on to say:

"What if I ignored the hand that fed me, what if I forgot to confess

What if I stumbled down that mountain then would you love me less, Lord would you love me less

What if I were everyones last choice what if I mixed in with the rest

What if I failed what I passed before then would you love me less, Lord would you would you love me less"

Again, "what if" is used to show that, no matter what the circumstance, the Lord will not love you less. Yes, we are all sinners, none of us are even close to perfect, but when we live by His law, when we love ourselves and one another, He loves us. We are going to fail, time and time again, but we are still supported by His love.

What if we all opened our eyes, tuned our ears and surrendered our hearts to this love? Would there be any limits?

What if...

"Write them on the doorframes"

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bing them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
-Deuteronomy 6:6-9.



Above is a picture taken at the Easter Service at St. Paul's. Out of the many messages written on the doorframe that day, mine was caught in a picture, that I currently have as my desktop and can remind myself of everyday. That day I prayed as I walked through the door that once I crossed to the other side that I would be able to open my eyes to see God's grace in helping me to love my enemies. I used the word enemies loosely to mean anyone I am against in anyway at anytime, rather than the literal definition: a person who feels hatred for, fosters harmful designs against, or engages in antagonistic activities against another; an adversary or opponent.

It has been almost two months since Easter, since I walked through the door and prayed for help in this area. All I can say is that I have seen God helping me to do this on a daily basis. I am becoming less judgmental by the day, I have better control over keeping certain opinions to myself, I avoid unnecessary conflict at all costs. While these things are helpful, they are not really loving, which is what I prayed for. But don't worry your hearts, God has obviously gone above and beyond in this area as well. In helping me to mend broken relationships, help those whom are in need (no matter what my previous view of them was) and to exercise both patience and compassion in situations I never thought it was imaginable.

At first, when the symbolism of walking through the door was brought up, I was unsure how effective it would be. But again, this goes to show that beauty will rain down on us if we just believe.

What if we loved our enemies?

Recent random inspirations.

Here are just a bunch of quotes, lyrics, experiences, messages, etc. that I have come across over the past couple weeks that have really inspired me to regain focus and grow closer to God.

Nothing comes that easy
Nothing comes for free
Something comes from nothing
If you're willing to believe
Cause everything has meaning
Everything we see
Are you willing to give up everything?
-Pillar "Everything"

No matter what kind of live you've lived, no matter how many wrong choices you've made, the next moment is waiting to give you new life. -Erwin McManus Chasing Daylight

You're a hero. Thanks for serving. We couldn't do it without you!! -St. Paul's Volunteer Appreciation Night

The practicality of the life of faith is that you begin making wiser choices. -Erwin McManus Chasing Daylight

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4

You and I are made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
When you and I embrace surrender
When you and I choose to believe
Then you and I will see
Who we were meant to be.
-Chris Tomlin "Made to Worship"

Ask God to give us courage to do what we already know. -Erwin McManus Chasing Daylight

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. -Martin Luther King Jr.

Just today I spoke with a younger friend of mine and we ended up talking about some pretty deep stuff. She couldn't believe that I was going to church and had a hard time grasping the concept after knowing the feelings I had about it previously. The conversation was beautiful and I think that she will come to St. Paul's with me this summer :).

Stepping into the door of St. Paul's this morning filled my body with a rush of warmth. I immediately smiled and couldn't wait for the service to start. St. Paul's and everyone there are such great inspirations.

Last night I had a discussion with a friend and we both kind of kicked ourselves and each other in the butts for becoming slightly unfocused and a bit lazy. It was comforting to hear that we are both on somewhat of the same page and ready to start turning them again!
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Every moment. Every hour. Everyday.. divine moments lay in front of us. We must stand strong in our faith and strive to do what God has planned for us. We must seize those moments. We must put ourselves out there. We must jump and be confident that we will be caught in His grace. We must set out on adventures and in turn grow.

The stakes are eternal.

Thanksgiving...

So, why is it that we only "give thanks" one day out of the year? A grandmother goes around the table and asks each member of the family what they are thankful for. A preschool teacher acts as a scribe on a piece of chart paper as each child in her class tells one thing they are thankful for.

Why is it that there is only one day recognized as "Thanksgiving"? We all think back to the pilgrims and the Indians and when they made peace and sat down to eat a meal that had been prepared together, as brothers and sisters.

What if we looked at other events in our lives as crucially as we look at this day where two sides joined together? What if we all took a little time out of our days to be thankful for everything beautiful that we have been granted. For everything that has been graciously laid in our laps. For the challenges that we have been placed in front of to conquer and learn from. For the warmth of the sunshine and the coolness of the rain. For the smile on our lovers' face, or the comfort of a hug. For the lessons learned and the hard times endured. We need to say thank you.

Step outside our doors, take deep breaths and say thank you for the air in our lungs. Look at our friends and/or family around us and say thank you for their love flowing over us always. Stare into a stranger's eyes as you pass them by and say thank you for allowing such wonder in the world.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Words so often said, but not as often truly meant.

What if we always said thank you with truthfulness in our voice? If when someone holds the door for us, we say thank you and really mean "i truly am thankful for the fact that you had the courtesy to hold this door open for me". It seems silly, it seems trivial, like it is such a mundane occurrence-- "thank you".

But what if we always meant it when we said it? And we always said it when we meant it?

What if we took time in our busy days to sit down and think about all of the beautiful things we are thankful for?

True Life: I love my job as an RA.

I can remember working with my group on Super Saturday last year. I was working with the people that I was competing for a job against. I thought the activities that they had us doing were a bit silly, but I had a good attitude none the less.

I can remember sitting in my RA interview with Angelo. He had been my hall director all year, but still asked my name when I sat down in the chair. (Not really the start I was looking for).

I can remember when Sharday and I got our letters saying that we were hired for the position! We were both so excited and happy for each other.

I can remember moving my things in early so that I could begin RA training.

From here on out, it is kind of a blur. The year passed so quickly. I feel like it was yesterday when we were having our first social program and I was serving residents ice cream out of my room.

27 programs, 9 rounds of room inspections, countless duty nights, 30ish staff meetings, 9 sets of door decs, 15 bulletin boards and a million memories later, I sit at this office desk in disbelief that in three days Occum will be empty and all of the residents will be gone.

I absolutely love this job. People often ask me "Doesn't it suck being an RA?" I tell them that it is singlehandedly the best job that I have ever had. The staff that I work with is wonderful. I have met my best friend Mae and enjoyed so many late nights and sleep overs and just awesome times. I was so blessed to be able to work with Andrew who has been such an inspiration to me on my walk with Jesus. The rest of the staff has been nothing but awesome to work with. And last, but certainly not least I will mention Joanna, Ralph and Emilyn. They are the most beautiful family I have ever seen in my life. So loving and caring and just compassionate. I was graciously offered a babysitting position by Joanna and have loved every single Tuesday that I am able to spend with little Emma. She is such a well behaved, fun, smart 15 month old.

This job rocks my world. My staff has become my family away from home and there is a never a dull moment which definitely keeps me on my toes.

I can't wait to come back in the fall to work with all of my loves again! :)