Help.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

After recently finding out that my father has fallen back into his old habits of drinking and doing drugs, I am devastated. I have had a few weeks to reflect on this situation and all of the evil that surrounds it, but also to tune into the grace that God has poured out over my dad. Although he has been using certain drugs and drinking alcohol intermittently over the past year, he has not started doing the most lethal drug to him again, and I thank God everyday for that.

I am also so thankful that he has opened up to me and I believe that this is a cry for help. I have rid myself of any anger and resentment toward him and this awful situation and I am ready to love, help and heal, along with the power of God. One of my greatest hopes is that he accepts Alcoholics Anonymous back into his life. Since he has also semi-recently accepted Jesus into his life, I believe that the AA program would have more of an effect on him than ever before.

Another miracle that I have seen through this that there is never ending support for myself and more importantly for my father. The community at St. Paul's never hesitates to pray about this situation when I ask, and I have found that my closest friends are nothing less than amazing when it comes to supporting a friend in need.

I still ask, however, for your help. Your prayers. Your hope. Your smiles. Your encouraging words. Your hugs. Your love.

My dad cannot get through this alone.. and neither can I.

Help, please. And really.. thank you.

"He said it all."

"Don't throw the ball at him, if you're mean he won't come back." -Willy.

I was hanging out with a good friend of mine when he shared a story with me about earlier in the day when he was volunteering at an after school program. To my surprise, he went back after finishing his community service requirement and was really enjoying spending time with the kids. It made me so happy to see the smile on his face and the sincerity in his voice when talking about the afternoon spent playing basketball and hanging out with the elementary students.

"He said it all." Alex told me. "When Willy told the other little kid not to throw the ball at me because I wouldn't come back, I realized how much they looked forward to me coming."

Alex continued and told me that he was definitely going to go back, hopefully at least once a week. It made me so extremely happy, beyond words. To hear him talking about the children with such passion in his eyes and to then listen to him as he thanked me for helping motivate him to serve, was so encouraging.

This was a sure sign from God and great motivation to continue to spread love and compassion and the importance of helping others to those around me.

Willy said it all to Alex and Alex said it all to me.

Emotionally Tiring Day

Do you ever have those days where your emotions are just everywhere? Where you have tears streaming down your face but you can't quite figure out if they are happy or sad so you decide that they must be a mix of both?

No matter how much I promote growth and change and live for both of those things, sometimes it is so hard to stare it straight in the face. I never really developed the knack for it and this was made evident to me today, as if I had somehow forgotten.

Leaving campus for the summer. Listening to my sister give her SENIOR speech. Thinking about my friendships with those back home. Assessing my relationships with people at school. Figuring out my Next Steps in my walk with Jesus.

My head and heart were jam packed with ambivalence.

Love. Happiness. Joy. Pain. Sadness. Hate. Confusion. Smiles. Heartache. Awesomeness. Tears. Loneliness....

Tears.
The salt runs over my lips.

"I am so proud of my sister, she is nothing short of amazing." I said tonight to a parent after Ashley had given her speech. "I am so excited to see her growing up into such a mature young lady." Am I? Or am I sad that she is growing up? Were the tears I cried happy for her or sad for me? Or both?

I am emotionally exhausted, today.. right now.
But I have hope. It is refreshing almost, to cry it all out and make room to take in more. To wrestle with your thoughts, to question the meaning of things.

To have the ability to feel, to cry, to care, to wrestle-- is amazing.. I am blessed.

Shimmering across the landscape

Unifying our world

Never ending hope

Springtime motivation

Happiness uplifted

Invigorating feeling

Now things will grow

Everlasting light

**************************************************

We need it. We love it. We crave it. We want it. SUNSHINE. Warm sunshine.

Surrender Your Agenda.

This idea of “Surrendering Your Agenda” came up in the sermon given tonight by Ben at SPCC. It was one of four steps to T.E.S.T.ing God’s will.

Talk to God.

Examine the scriptures.

Surrender your agenda.

Tap into others.

_____________________________________________

Do any of you have an idea for where you want to be in 10 years?

Sure. A lot of us do. But, do you make it an absolute agenda? A must? Are you positive that it is where you will be, and that you will have certain things and accomplish certain goals, no matter what?

Two years ago, had I been faced with these questions, I would have answered, “Yes, of course.” And I would have explained that after college I planned to marry, get a nice house, have kids and eventually open my own counseling center for children.

Two years ago I had an agenda for my life that I was certain I would follow. I would chase after the “great American dream” where everyone is happy and has dogs running around inside their white picket fences. We have all wanted it, dreamed about it and hoped that it would come true at some point or another.

Today. Sunday, March 30, 2008. I am confident that I have surrendered this previous agenda, and any agenda for that matter. Sure, I have a “To-Do List” that I have made with things that I hope to do when I am finished with school. The items on this list, however, have strayed away from “get married, buy a house, have kids and then develop my career.”

Today. Sunday, March 30, 2008. I have high hopes for what is to come in my life, but I am putting it in my faith that I will do what I am meant to do.

This does not mean that I am throwing my hands up and telling God to lead me where he wants me. This does not mean that I am going to live day to day with no care in the world and become lazy because my purpose is coming. It means quite the opposite. It means that I am doing what I have already been instructed to do and waiting for the push to do the rest. I am living each day with more love and compassion than the previous and holding strong to what I believe.

So, when I do graduate school… will I visit Africa? Will I travel New England and spread the cause of the Invisible Children? Will I run a non-profit organization? Will I attend graduate school? Will I volunteer with Americorps? Will I open my own counseling center for children?

I don’t know. These are things that right now, in this moment seem like a good fit for my life down the road. But for once, I am fine and find comfort in the phrases “I am flying by the seat of my pants” or "I am going wherever the wind blows me". I am at peace with the idea that I do not know exactly what is coming, but I am sure as anything loving the search.

My relationships and encounters over the past few months have taught me that it isn’t all about knowing right where you will be in the future, for we are always apart of a process and things are constantly changing. Surrendering your agenda and putting faith in yourself and in God (for we are all apart of a grander plan)-- that is what it is all about.

Live with intention, love what you do, listen to what you have already been told, and wait for the rest.

Untitled.

Fire falling all around.

Strength is lost.

There is no sound.

No control, out of reach.

She’d give anything if she could just teach.

Planets crashing, her world ripped apart.

Where is the feeling, the love from the heart?

End scene.

Awake. A new day.

Nothing in the way.

The stream of light from His sweet soul.

Compassion and care—the ultimate goal.

Hard work, perseverance,

The only way for transformation.

Three small, but crucial words,

Learn, act, believe-- show dedication.

She will slip, she will fall.

She will make mistakes.

She’ll get back up and do whatever it takes.

Holding onto her faith, her love and her smiles.

This girl’s got a lot in mind, she’ll be around for a while.

:)

HAPPY EASTER.

This weekend has been filled with powerful services at St. Paul's and just wonderful energy.
With the emotion evoking service on Good Friday and the Easter Vigil along with my baptism last night, I am looking forward to the Easter service today in a big way.

Simply beautiful.
Thank you God.

HAPPY EASTER.