Monday, April 28, 2008

Help.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.


After recently finding out that my father has fallen back into his old habits of drinking and doing drugs, I am devastated. I have had a few weeks to reflect on this situation and all of the evil that surrounds it, but also to tune into the grace that God has poured out over my dad. Although he has been using certain drugs and drinking alcohol intermittently over the past year, he has not started doing the most lethal drug to him again, and I thank God everyday for that.

I am also so thankful that he has opened up to me and I believe that this is a cry for help. I have rid myself of any anger and resentment toward him and this awful situation and I am ready to love, help and heal, along with the power of God. One of my greatest hopes is that he accepts Alcoholics Anonymous back into his life. Since he has also semi-recently accepted Jesus into his life, I believe that the AA program would have more of an effect on him than ever before.

Another miracle that I have seen through this that there is never ending support for myself and more importantly for my father. The community at St. Paul's never hesitates to pray about this situation when I ask, and I have found that my closest friends are nothing less than amazing when it comes to supporting a friend in need.

I still ask, however, for your help. Your prayers. Your hope. Your smiles. Your encouraging words. Your hugs. Your love.

My dad cannot get through this alone.. and neither can I.

Help, please. And really.. thank you.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

"He said it all."

"Don't throw the ball at him, if you're mean he won't come back." -Willy.

I was hanging out with a good friend of mine when he shared a story with me about earlier in the day when he was volunteering at an after school program. To my surprise, he went back after finishing his community service requirement and was really enjoying spending time with the kids. It made me so happy to see the smile on his face and the sincerity in his voice when talking about the afternoon spent playing basketball and hanging out with the elementary students.

"He said it all." Alex told me. "When Willy told the other little kid not to throw the ball at me because I wouldn't come back, I realized how much they looked forward to me coming."

Alex continued and told me that he was definitely going to go back, hopefully at least once a week. It made me so extremely happy, beyond words. To hear him talking about the children with such passion in his eyes and to then listen to him as he thanked me for helping motivate him to serve, was so encouraging.

This was a sure sign from God and great motivation to continue to spread love and compassion and the importance of helping others to those around me.

Willy said it all to Alex and Alex said it all to me.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Emotionally Tiring Day

Do you ever have those days where your emotions are just everywhere? Where you have tears streaming down your face but you can't quite figure out if they are happy or sad so you decide that they must be a mix of both?

No matter how much I promote growth and change and live for both of those things, sometimes it is so hard to stare it straight in the face. I never really developed the knack for it and this was made evident to me today, as if I had somehow forgotten.

Leaving campus for the summer. Listening to my sister give her SENIOR speech. Thinking about my friendships with those back home. Assessing my relationships with people at school. Figuring out my Next Steps in my walk with Jesus.

My head and heart were jam packed with ambivalence.

Love. Happiness. Joy. Pain. Sadness. Hate. Confusion. Smiles. Heartache. Awesomeness. Tears. Loneliness....

Tears.
The salt runs over my lips.

"I am so proud of my sister, she is nothing short of amazing." I said tonight to a parent after Ashley had given her speech. "I am so excited to see her growing up into such a mature young lady." Am I? Or am I sad that she is growing up? Were the tears I cried happy for her or sad for me? Or both?

I am emotionally exhausted, today.. right now.
But I have hope. It is refreshing almost, to cry it all out and make room to take in more. To wrestle with your thoughts, to question the meaning of things.

To have the ability to feel, to cry, to care, to wrestle-- is amazing.. I am blessed.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Shimmering across the landscape

Unifying our world

Never ending hope

Springtime motivation

Happiness uplifted

Invigorating feeling

Now things will grow

Everlasting light

**************************************************

We need it. We love it. We crave it. We want it. SUNSHINE. Warm sunshine.