Tuesday, May 27, 2008

"Are you afraid of being afraid?"


So, it has been a beautiful start to my summer (which if you recall, I was dreading). I’ve spent a lot of time with my family, seen my friends a couple of times and enjoyed the sun.


I headed over to a neighborhood park just a couple days ago to read Chasing Daylight. When I arrived, I was the only person at the park, but within just a few minutes there were kids running everywhere. It made me miss the children from my old job, but after watching them for a few minutes, I turned back to the inspirational message of Erwin McManus.


After a few more minutes of reading, I overheard a conversation that two girls were having on the jungle gym about 20 feet away from my blanket.

“Aren’t you scared to climb up to the top?”
“No, I’m not scared.”
“Are you fearless?”
“What?”
“I think you’re afraid of being afraid.”

Now at first, I laughed inside and a little outside. Neither of these girls could have been any older than 8 years old and they seemed to be having such a philisophical conversation. As I went to turn back to my reading I asked myself, “Are you afraid of being afraid?” This caused me to pause for quite a while.


Normally, when people list their fears they include things like spiders, bugs, sharks, open water, the dark, drowning, dying, etc. When I am faced with this question, I can never really come up with a definite answer. And no, this is not because I try to be fearless and can’t admit to being afraid of things. It is simply because I haven’t found something that I am truly “deathly afraid” of. Sure, I don’t really like spiders and bugs and I wouldn’t be happy face to face with a shark. In the pitch black or open water I’m not sure if I would comfort and drowning or dying are not exactly pleasant in my mind.


When I asked myself “Chelsea, are you afraid of being afraid?”, I found my fear. I don’t want to be scared or worried, paranoid or afraid.


Perhaps this means I am a coward. I am certainly not proud of this, but I can say that now that I am conscious of it, I will step out of my comfort zone. I will put myself into situations where I am uncomfortable, afraid, uneasy, nervous, worried, paranoid—whatever.


I am ready to face challenges and go after the difficult.


I learned a lot from this young girl. I discovered my fear and since discovering it, I have found out that the only way to go after what is important, is to look this fear straight in the eye and conquer it.


This lesson I learned on a sunny afternoon from a young girl is one that has God’s name written all over it. There I was reading a book all about seizing divine moments, wondering how all of it would fit into my life specifically, and I was handed the tools needed to go out and find that purpose. Light was shed on the fact that I need to face this new found fear of being afraid before I could go out and seize divine moments. Now it all makes perfect sense.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

What if.


"What if I climbed that mountain, what if I swam to that shore
What if every battle was victorious then would you love me more, would you love me more
What if I were everyone’s first choice, what if I went farther than before
What if I stood high above the rest than would you love me more , would you love me more"

The above lyrics are from the song "What If" by Jadon Lavik. I came across this song while listening to "95.5 The Fish" online. The first words "what if" flooded my mind and brought a smile to my face. It has become somewhat of a theme for my thoughts over the past month or so. As you can see, if you scroll down a bit on my blog page- there are a list of "what ifs". I have also posted about a few of them over the past few weeks, journaled a lot about it and been praying that I can see God in a new way each day that I implement a new "what if".

This song, however, takes a different look at the power of "what if". Instead of using it as a phrase to suggest endless possibilities for change, it is used to discuss the limits of God's love. The trick- there are no limits to His love. If we climbed every mountain, swam to every shore, won every battle, etc.-- God would not love us more. Why? Because he can't. He already loves us with all that He can. It is an unconditional love greater than any other. A love that I am so thankful, every single day to be covered in.
The lyrics go on to say:

"What if I ignored the hand that fed me, what if I forgot to confess
What if I stumbled down that mountain then would you love me less, Lord would you love me less
What if I were everyones last choice what if I mixed in with the rest
What if I failed what I passed before then would you love me less, Lord would you would you love me less"

Again, "what if" is used to show that, no matter what the circumstance, the Lord will not love you less. Yes, we are all sinners, none of us are even close to perfect, but when we live by His law, when we love ourselves and one another, He loves us. We are going to fail, time and time again, but we are still supported by His love.

What if we all opened our eyes, tuned our ears and surrendered our hearts to this love? Would there be any limits?

What if...

Monday, May 19, 2008

"Write them on the doorframes"

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bing them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
-Deuteronomy 6:6-9.



Above is a picture taken at the Easter Service at St. Paul's. Out of the many messages written on the doorframe that day, mine was caught in a picture, that I currently have as my desktop and can remind myself of everyday. That day I prayed as I walked through the door that once I crossed to the other side that I would be able to open my eyes to see God's grace in helping me to love my enemies. I used the word enemies loosely to mean anyone I am against in anyway at anytime, rather than the literal definition: a person who feels hatred for, fosters harmful designs against, or engages in antagonistic activities against another; an adversary or opponent.

It has been almost two months since Easter, since I walked through the door and prayed for help in this area. All I can say is that I have seen God helping me to do this on a daily basis. I am becoming less judgmental by the day, I have better control over keeping certain opinions to myself, I avoid unnecessary conflict at all costs. While these things are helpful, they are not really loving, which is what I prayed for. But don't worry your hearts, God has obviously gone above and beyond in this area as well. In helping me to mend broken relationships, help those whom are in need (no matter what my previous view of them was) and to exercise both patience and compassion in situations I never thought it was imaginable.

At first, when the symbolism of walking through the door was brought up, I was unsure how effective it would be. But again, this goes to show that beauty will rain down on us if we just believe.

What if we loved our enemies?

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Recent random inspirations.

Here are just a bunch of quotes, lyrics, experiences, messages, etc. that I have come across over the past couple weeks that have really inspired me to regain focus and grow closer to God.

Nothing comes that easy
Nothing comes for free
Something comes from nothing
If you're willing to believe
Cause everything has meaning
Everything we see
Are you willing to give up everything?
-Pillar "Everything"

No matter what kind of live you've lived, no matter how many wrong choices you've made, the next moment is waiting to give you new life. -Erwin McManus Chasing Daylight

You're a hero. Thanks for serving. We couldn't do it without you!! -St. Paul's Volunteer Appreciation Night

The practicality of the life of faith is that you begin making wiser choices. -Erwin McManus Chasing Daylight

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4

You and I are made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
When you and I embrace surrender
When you and I choose to believe
Then you and I will see
Who we were meant to be.
-Chris Tomlin "Made to Worship"

Ask God to give us courage to do what we already know. -Erwin McManus Chasing Daylight

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. -Martin Luther King Jr.

Just today I spoke with a younger friend of mine and we ended up talking about some pretty deep stuff. She couldn't believe that I was going to church and had a hard time grasping the concept after knowing the feelings I had about it previously. The conversation was beautiful and I think that she will come to St. Paul's with me this summer :).

Stepping into the door of St. Paul's this morning filled my body with a rush of warmth. I immediately smiled and couldn't wait for the service to start. St. Paul's and everyone there are such great inspirations.

Last night I had a discussion with a friend and we both kind of kicked ourselves and each other in the butts for becoming slightly unfocused and a bit lazy. It was comforting to hear that we are both on somewhat of the same page and ready to start turning them again!
_____________________________________
Every moment. Every hour. Everyday.. divine moments lay in front of us. We must stand strong in our faith and strive to do what God has planned for us. We must seize those moments. We must put ourselves out there. We must jump and be confident that we will be caught in His grace. We must set out on adventures and in turn grow.

The stakes are eternal.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Thanksgiving...

So, why is it that we only "give thanks" one day out of the year? A grandmother goes around the table and asks each member of the family what they are thankful for. A preschool teacher acts as a scribe on a piece of chart paper as each child in her class tells one thing they are thankful for.

Why is it that there is only one day recognized as "Thanksgiving"? We all think back to the pilgrims and the Indians and when they made peace and sat down to eat a meal that had been prepared together, as brothers and sisters.

What if we looked at other events in our lives as crucially as we look at this day where two sides joined together? What if we all took a little time out of our days to be thankful for everything beautiful that we have been granted. For everything that has been graciously laid in our laps. For the challenges that we have been placed in front of to conquer and learn from. For the warmth of the sunshine and the coolness of the rain. For the smile on our lovers' face, or the comfort of a hug. For the lessons learned and the hard times endured. We need to say thank you.

Step outside our doors, take deep breaths and say thank you for the air in our lungs. Look at our friends and/or family around us and say thank you for their love flowing over us always. Stare into a stranger's eyes as you pass them by and say thank you for allowing such wonder in the world.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Words so often said, but not as often truly meant.

What if we always said thank you with truthfulness in our voice? If when someone holds the door for us, we say thank you and really mean "i truly am thankful for the fact that you had the courtesy to hold this door open for me". It seems silly, it seems trivial, like it is such a mundane occurrence-- "thank you".

But what if we always meant it when we said it? And we always said it when we meant it?

What if we took time in our busy days to sit down and think about all of the beautiful things we are thankful for?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

True Life: I love my job as an RA.


I can remember working with my group on Super Saturday last year. I was working with the people that I was competing for a job against. I thought the activities that they had us doing were a bit silly, but I had a good attitude none the less.


I can remember sitting in my RA interview with Angelo. He had been my hall director all year, but still asked my name when I sat down in the chair. (Not really the start I was looking for).


I can remember when Sharday and I got our letters saying that we were hired for the position! We were both so excited and happy for each other.


I can remember moving my things in early so that I could begin RA training.


From here on out, it is kind of a blur. The year passed so quickly. I feel like it was yesterday when we were having our first social program and I was serving residents ice cream out of my room.


27 programs, 9 rounds of room inspections, countless duty nights, 30ish staff meetings, 9 sets of door decs, 15 bulletin boards and a million memories later, I sit at this office desk in disbelief that in three days Occum will be empty and all of the residents will be gone.


I absolutely love this job. People often ask me "Doesn't it suck being an RA?" I tell them that it is singlehandedly the best job that I have ever had. The staff that I work with is wonderful. I have met my best friend Mae and enjoyed so many late nights and sleep overs and just awesome times. I was so blessed to be able to work with Andrew who has been such an inspiration to me on my walk with Jesus. The rest of the staff has been nothing but awesome to work with. And last, but certainly not least I will mention Joanna, Ralph and Emilyn. They are the most beautiful family I have ever seen in my life. So loving and caring and just compassionate. I was graciously offered a babysitting position by Joanna and have loved every single Tuesday that I am able to spend with little Emma. She is such a well behaved, fun, smart 15 month old.


This job rocks my world. My staff has become my family away from home and there is a never a dull moment which definitely keeps me on my toes.


I can't wait to come back in the fall to work with all of my loves again! :)


Sunday, May 11, 2008

I don't know how I am going to do this.


I have been looking forward to today for weeks. I would be going home to spend the day with Mom and Ash for Mother's Day. Those two ladies are my life and I love them with all of my heart. I have been missing them like crazy lately.


I got home around noon, gave mom her gift and then Ash and I took her to People's Forest for a picnic in the beautiful sunshine. Somehow, the conversation turned to money as it usually does and I was fed up. My car is broken again and desperately needs to be fixed, my dentist bill came in, my credit card bill is due soon and I need to start paying for car insurance again when I go home for the summer. Ahhhh! I am often very frustrated with the whole idea of money, especially the fact that I just don't have much of it to pay for the things I need to pay for. However, I was more frustrated that the day I had been so excited about had been casted over by a cloud of negativity.


Since I have accepted God into my life and begun to follow Jesus, I haven't been around my family much. They are still in awe that I am going to church and they haven't really seen the change and growth in me.


I felt like all of a sudden I didn't fit in with my family anymore. I felt like this summer is going to be very difficult. My mom was acting supportive of me and asking me about St. Paul's but then told me that she wants me to find a church near home because I shouldn't be driving out there every weekend. I told her that I was going to commute to St. Paul's because I love it there and have found a sense of family in that church. When it came to my sister, she kind of gave me the "where is my sister and what have you done with her" attitude. She was not mean to me or anything, just kept saying that it was so weird that I go to church and that she didn't want to come with me.


I don't know how I am going to do this. I have no idea how I am going to move through this summer. I will not just go through the motions that those at home expect of me. Going to work, eating dinner, going out to play pong at my friend's houses everynight. I refuse to just walk through the mundane parts of a day for the entire summer.


I will continue this walk that I started a few months ago. I will spend a lot of time reading and reflecting, listening to those who will talk and talking to those who will listen. I will appreciate each day that I am given and look through the hard times at the lessons that need to be learned. I will continue to grow and prepetuate unconditional love. I just really hope that I am able to open up my eyes everyday and see God in all that I do, because this summer is really going to be a challenge.


So, at the beginning of this post, I had no idea how I would do this, and I have since proposed some ideas for what I hope to do. That is one of the many things I love about blogging, journaling, having a talk with yourself, or a talk with God-- you usually come up with a possible solution or two, which is very very comforting.


Please leave suggestions as to how you think I can make this summer even more positive in spite of all of the resistance from others. I could really use your help. Thank you.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

we learn best when we..

-open our eyes
-listen to others
-close our mouths
-step outside our comfort zone
-take the time to understand
-read
-reflect
-question what we hear
-take in our surroundings
-challenge a statement we disagree with
-make mistakes
-observe those who are wise

We learn better when we try.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Rain.

Replenishing
Cold
Water
Washing
Wet
Refreshing
Cleansing
Flowing
Beautiful
Devoted
Helpful

RAIN.
_________________________________________

Have you ever watched a child play in the rain? Possibly one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. They are intrigued by the water and how it falls into the already formed puddles. They beg to be able to jump in them and even after I say no, they do it anyway with that beautiful little "What are you going to do about it" smirk. I can't do anything other than smile in this moment. At the little man finding so much joy in something that most people can't stand.

The common response after someone looks out the window and sees that it's raining is "Ugh, what a crappy day." And sometimes, I agree with that. After being spoiled with a week full of nothing but sunshine and 80 degree beautiful weather, I hated to see the clouds rolling in and pouring out the rain too.

But there is so much beauty in rain. Whether it is just a sprinkle, a shower, a downpour or a thunder storm.. there is beauty.

There is beauty in the way it runs down the streets like a small stream.. Beauty in the way it drips off of the leaves of the trees or the flowers that have just bloomed.. Beauty in the way it falls upon my face as I turn my head up to the sky. It is refreshing to feel the cool wetness on my face.

It is peaceful to stand in a place and just appreciate the rainy day rather than feel hindered by it.

Monday, May 5, 2008

switching gears?

So, summer is approaching. There are only 2 days left of classes and then only about a week and a half that I will be here at school! My feelings about this are nothing but ambivalent. One moment I am so excited to have classes over and be done for the semester, the next second I am upset that I will be away from it all. Part of me is looking forward to my summer at home, the other half is longing to remain in the place I am now.

I wrestle with my thoughts and feelings about it many times during the day and this is what I have come up with..

This semester has been absolutely monumental for me. I have grown so much and really found myself and my niche in this world. I have been embracing every moment at St. Paul's and with my friends here at Eastern and all of my time spent serving with PHP members. I haven't been home much this semester at all which has caused me to grow even closer to this community. BUT, I am ready for the summer. I realize that I will keep in touch with my friends over the summer, they aren't going anywhere. I will be coming up to go to St. Paul's every Sunday so I won't need to miss that! And when I come back in the fall, I will be co-leading PHP with two of the greatest guys I know.

No matter where I go, whether it is across campus, to the other side of Willimantic, back to Torrington or around the world, God is always with me and if I open my eyes I will see him working all around me. No matter where I go I will go with a heart full of love and compassion. I will serve God's people. I will help myself by helping others.

Sometimes I regret not applying to be a summer RA or a SOC, but then I find myself realizing that I will find a way to make serving apart of my summer. I already have plans for helping out Nathan with a fundraiser for the Haitian Health Foundation that I am very excited about.

I will miss Eastern. I will miss RAing. I will miss Andrew. I will miss Joanna and Emilyn. I will miss Kim. I will miss Bob. I will miss Lyon Manor. I will miss the coffee mission. There are lots of things I will miss.. but they will all be here when I get back.

And I have a lot to look forward to at home.

Summer, here I come. New and improved.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Problem Solving.

This past week in my Cognitive Psychology class, Prof Moreno began lecturing on problem solving and how we humans go about doing it. He described a bunch of the specifics, but also pointed out something that really struck me even though it may seem obvious:

Sometimes, finding the solution to a problem greatly depends on overcoming the mindset you have when presented with it.

He went on to talk about this in technical terms and in accordance with a mathematical problem, but my mind wandered in another direction.

On a day to day basis, when we are faced with a problem, if we had been having a good day prior to that, we may have a clearer sense of how to resolve the issue at hand. On the other hand, had we been having somewhat of a bad day, we may approach the problem with less patience.

Something else caught my attention (as if I'm not supposed to be paying perfect attention to the entire lecture haha). Prof Moreno described functional fixedness as only being able to see tools for problem solving serving the primary function they do in everyday life. In other words, we are unable to use things for purposes other than what they made for, regardless of their ability to be used in other ways.

So, quick recap- our ability to solve a problem depends on our mental set (the mindset we have when presented with the problem) and our inability to be flexible with the tools we are given.

What if we could get out of such mindsets and be open and clever enough to use tools we were given in new and inventive ways?

What if we could step outside of the box and look at the big picture in order to formulate the best solution?

What if we took this knowledge that has been proven by psychologists and find a way to overcome this natural process?

Perhaps problems would be solved quicker, easier and with longer lasting effects.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Food For Thought

I have recently started reading a book which was highly recommended to me. It is Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus. Although I have only read 2 chapters so far, it is full of amazing insight and thought provoking messages.

Here are a few of my favorites so far:

"We have defined holiness through what we separate ourselves from rather than what we give ourselves to."

"While God leaves us with many choices to make, when He has spoken, the one right choice it to obey."

"There is a tragic reality in that many times the very things God blesses us with become obstacles to seizing divine moments."

"The practicality of the life of faith is that you begin making wiser choices."

"The challenges you are willing to face will rise in proportion to the character you are willing to develop."

"When you are madly in love with God, you can do whatever you want."

McManus is just full of such passion and puts together his ideas so wonderfully. It speaks straight to my heart. I am really looking forward to the rest of this book!

Friday, May 2, 2008

Alone? I think not.


“What can I do for you. What questions do you have?” One of my closest friends asked me this last night when we were just hanging out, getting into the word and journaling a bit. “Umm, nothing really. I think that as I continue reading the bible that I will have questions. And I have yet come to that place in my journey where I have any doubts or major struggles.” That was my response.

It was like God heard me and chuckled a little and realized that maybe I better get a quick look at the not so beautiful. “Today” started with me praying before bed that my hours of rest would rejuvenate me and help me to prepare for the rest of the day. I woke up and prayed that I would see God in more parts of my day than I had in the previous. It started off great. I enjoyed the beautiful weather, worked on the Better World Books service project and went out with Mae for a bit. Then I had class and shortly after that headed to Lyon Manor with my PHP friends.

This is where it gets weird. I love community service. I love my PHPeople. I love playing UNO with the residents of Lyon Manor. I love seeing the smiles on their faces that I can picture usually looking much sadder. I love the feeling of helping others. Yet, I was not happy. I was not feeling loving. I felt cold and angry and annoyed.

The worst part- I had no idea why. I got on the van and came back to campus the same way. People were in the back seat dancing and singing and having a great time and I was praying, asking for an answer as to why in the world I couldn’t get a smile on my face and stop acting so ridiculous.

I opened the door to my room, fell onto my bed and wept. Again- with no idea why. I stayed on my bed like this for a long time. Wondering why.

All of a sudden, an immense feeling of loneliness came over me. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to hug. Nobody to hold me. Just nobody. I contemplated just crawling under my covers and crying until I fell asleep, but something inside me told me get up and get out.

I went to the Student Center where they serve pancakes every Thursday night. I brought along a book and my journal, figuring that I would just get something to eat and sit alone reading and writing. (Usually I look forward to this, but tonight it was more just to keep my busy). I walked into the CafĂ© reluctantly, and the first thing I saw was Andrew’s smiling face. He greeted me with a huge hug and from there, we really enjoyed the night together. I saw God in this moment, in a big way.

Looking back (even though it was just earlier tonight), do I think that this was a huge struggle? No, not really. Was it difficult to feel angry and very upset and not no why? Yes, extremely.

It’s as though God just wanted to show me that it’s not always going to be rainbows and butterflies, and I am thankful for this glimpse of something different.

Crying in my bed overcome with feelings of loneliness. I have learned that in these times, I need to just take a deep breath and talk to God. He is always there. Always listening. Whenever. Wherever.