Emotionally Tiring Day

Do you ever have those days where your emotions are just everywhere? Where you have tears streaming down your face but you can't quite figure out if they are happy or sad so you decide that they must be a mix of both?

No matter how much I promote growth and change and live for both of those things, sometimes it is so hard to stare it straight in the face. I never really developed the knack for it and this was made evident to me today, as if I had somehow forgotten.

Leaving campus for the summer. Listening to my sister give her SENIOR speech. Thinking about my friendships with those back home. Assessing my relationships with people at school. Figuring out my Next Steps in my walk with Jesus.

My head and heart were jam packed with ambivalence.

Love. Happiness. Joy. Pain. Sadness. Hate. Confusion. Smiles. Heartache. Awesomeness. Tears. Loneliness....

Tears.
The salt runs over my lips.

"I am so proud of my sister, she is nothing short of amazing." I said tonight to a parent after Ashley had given her speech. "I am so excited to see her growing up into such a mature young lady." Am I? Or am I sad that she is growing up? Were the tears I cried happy for her or sad for me? Or both?

I am emotionally exhausted, today.. right now.
But I have hope. It is refreshing almost, to cry it all out and make room to take in more. To wrestle with your thoughts, to question the meaning of things.

To have the ability to feel, to cry, to care, to wrestle-- is amazing.. I am blessed.