"Because I said So"

Ever have a parent or teacher ask you or tell you to do something and their reasoning for why is "Because I said so!!"? Something like- "please be home by 10", "clean the bathroom" or "go outside and help your sister". Then of course we always would ask "Awwww why?" and the response would be "Because I said so!" either being yelled or just said with a simple shrug of the shoulders as though parents had absolute authority over every single thing we did. Who would have thought!

I remember mouthing back to me mom "Because isn't even a reason." or "I'm not doing anything unless you tell me why I need to." Oh was I fresh. Sometimes, I was justified in asking why. Other times, my mom was justified in giving her reason of "Because I said so." and answering back to my questions with "I don't need a reason-- just do it."

How many of you are thinking back to those days and laughing? Or perhaps still holding a grudge for some of those things you had to do? ;)

As some of you may know, I love children and was a teacher at a daycare for 3 years and now babysit for a few different families. I can still remember the first time I pulled out the "Because I said so" card. Johnny Pasko, a 5 year old in my class was being awfully fresh during a circle time one day when I asked him to please get up and sit in a chair away from the class. He got in my face and said "Whyy Miss Chelsea?" I tried to explain to him that he was disrupting the story and the songs and that he needed to take some time away from the group and he returned that with a, "But they think it's funny Miss Chelsea, Tori was laughing at me before. So why do I need to go sit down?" Frustrated, but humored at the same time that I was letting this little boy dance around me in circles, I quickly spit out, "You need to go sit down because I said so." I can also remember instantly wanting to cover my mouth and gasp, "Chels!! When you were young you'd swore you would never use that because mom did and you hated it!"

Isn't it great how as we become older we really do say and do a lot of the things to children we promised ourselves we wouldn't because when our parents did they just seemed so unfair.

"Because I said so."

In yesterday's message at SPCC, I realized just how valid this phrase can be. I have been trying to get in the word more often lately and through this, conversations with those I have fellowship with and the messages at St. Pauls, I have a pretty good idea of the things that I should and should not be doing. Though the focus at SPCC is not primarily the "don'ts" and rather concentrates on the "go for it's!" and the "you can do it's!", it is important to remember what God has taught us through His word.

There have been a few concepts that have left me struggling with the question. "Whyyy? This doesn't make much sense right now." But the message yesterday gave just the right answer. Why should we listen to all that God has told us and is telling us? Because He said so and he is working in ways that we won't understand until long after big things happen, if we are lucky enough to open our eyes to fully see them later. He is doing things for us everyday in our lives in return for our obedience to Him.

So even if I don't fully understand why, or I don't understand why at all, God is asking me to do something, I will try my best to just do it anyway; wholeheartedly and with no doubts that He won't come through for me the way He has been.

Sometimes "Because I said so" is the only explanation there is-- if the real reason is revealed, we may never take those first steps for the fear of failure, embarassment, discouragement or being overwhelmed or challenged. With a complete explanation we may just look at it and say, "Ummm, no thanks- not for me." But let's leap- let's just do it, because He says so.

What a flashback.

For whatever reason, this morning while brushing my teeth, I was reminded of this song that I used to sing in Brownies when I was in about 1st or 2nd grade.

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, the other is gold.
A circle is round, it has no end. That's how long, I will be your friend.
A fire burns bright, it warms the heart. We've been friends, from the very start.
You have one hand, I have the other. Put them together, We have each other.
Silver is precious, Gold is too. I am precious, and so are you.
You help me, and I'll help you and together we will see it through.
The sky is blue The Earth is green I can help to keep it clean
Across the land Across the sea Friends forever We will always be

It's corny, I know.. but somewhat applies to where I am in life right now. I am having a tough time hanging out with my old group of friends due to their lifestyle being different than mine but I still really care about them and am not fine with separating myself from them completely so that we are not friends anymore. I have also been working on making new friends. I have found out quickly that it isn't always the easiest thing when you live in a town that you've lived in your entire life. Instead, I have been recharging former friendships with people that I have lost contact with for different reasons.

I went to my friends cottage the other night and enjoyed a beautiful campfire with a few of his friends who were all very nice to me. Last night I went out with my friend on his motorcycle and then to a nice dinner where we were able to catch up after not really talking for years. It has been very refreshing.

Of course I care about the group of friends that I have associated myself with after graduating high school, but I also have a great want and a great need to care about and become close to others.

I will make new friends but keep the old in some capacity. And just like a circle is round and has no end (which makes me laugh because it reminds me of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry), I won't ever deliberately stop being someone's friend or being there for them. Everyone is in a process, we are all at different points. This is key for me to remember when I get fed up with some of my friends. How awful would it be for me to stop talking to them and being their friend and then 2 years down the road when either they or I really want to catch up, we just don't make time or refuse to get together because it's been so long?

Now I know the girlscout song is really cheesy, but I thought it was kind of fitting, especially because it just popped into my head this morning!

I love my friends, new and old. I am challenged, loved, cared about, laughed at and a million other things. And I am so grateful.

Wonderful Service

I woke up this morning excited that it was Sunday, meaning that it was St. Paul's day :). People often think that I am crazy for driving over an hour to church, but tonight just reinforced the reason I do it.

God and his son Jesus Christ. The people. My friends. The smiles. The hope. The music. The message. Ben's encouraging words. Heartfelt prayer. Everyone around me clapping to the beautiful worship songs. The smiles. And of course the tears. The coffee and fellowship afterwards. The sharing of summer stories. The awesome worship on the car ride home that was inspired by everything previously listed.

I think I would drive a lot farther for these things if I needed to. So here is a big thank you to everyone at St. Paul's. To Gordie, Chris, Maurice and the rest of the First Impressions team, to Ashley who sat next to me and reached out to get to know me more, to Nathan for always encouraging me and being such a great friend to me, to Steve for offering help in finding me a new car, to the first time visitors from Eastern for reminding me that it never hurts to extend an invitation, to Emily for her warming smile and to Ben and Steve for their beautiful words through God.

Thank you. THANK GOD.

Something gets lost.

Yesterday morning, I got out of bed and got dressed, putting on my East School shirt that I got in 5th grade, with Class of '99 printed on the sleeve. My sister did the same, with Class of 2001 on her sleeve and we met a bunch of other alumni of East School, mostly from her class. We joined the students, facutly, staff and parents for their Hands Around East School ceremony. This is where everyone in the entire school makes a long line linking hands and walks around the school and then into the gym to sing a few songs. Although my favorite song was apparently not a part of the ceremony anymore, I really enjoyed being there.

After leaving the gym, we walked around the school to visit the teachers we had had years ago. There were only a handful that were still there from when I was student, but I enjoyed talking to those I could find. What really caught my eye were the different pictures hanging on the wall, and even more so-- the quotes that went along with the pictures.

"Caring makes you a better person and the world a better place."

"Character is doing the right thing when nobody is looking."

"Character takes courage, it requires doing what's right, not what's easy and popular."

How enoucraging!! And for these young children to be seeing and reading these powerful messages daily! I got me wondering why there were not similar things around the high school. I have been back to visit THS a few times since I have been home and other than hall monitors asking me if I have a pass and groups of kids walking around trying to get out of class, I haven't noticed much in the hallways. Something gets lost between the elementary years and the high school years.

Not just the pictures on the wall. A person's imagination, his or her willingness to look silly in front of people-- their childlike persona.

And wouldn't we say, "Well, duh- they are no longer children- they grow up into adults."

What if we all kept a bit of our childlike qualities. Not the qualities that cause us to mouth off to our parents or hit other children if they take something of ours, but the qualities that allow us to be fearless and to dream of being anything that we want to be.

Something is lost between then and now. We have got to get it back. I have recently read in a few books similar urgent messages that say that we ought to be more like children. I believe it was Mark Batterson in his book In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day that said in order to be more Christ-like, we must be more childlike. I thought back to stories that I have read from the bible and the overall person that I have learned Jesus was in those stories and realized that Batterson is absolutely correct.

So let's try and become more like children. I know I am working on it.

It would so much fun to laugh uncontrollably until our stomachs hurts.

We should take a chance everyday, regardless of whether or not we are afraid of the outcome (preferably if we ARE afraid.)

The only way to dream is to dream big, because if we don't-- what is the sense of dreaming anyway?

We ought to question everything we hear- whether in our own minds or out loud.

And of course, as childlike adults, we will have tons of fun along the way.

I am out to chase after the little girl in my heart and to bring her beauty into my adult life. So next time somebody tells me, "You're acting like a child." I will respond, "Thank you!"

Absolutely astounding day.

Today was one of the most beautiful days I have had in a long time. Now you may be thinking, "Hmm, isn't Chelsea almost always talking about how beautiful things are and how happy she is?" and yes-- I usually am. But today blew other days out of the water.

I woke up early to find that church actually started an hour later than I had thought, so I got to sleep for an extra hour! Then I picked my father up and we had a really nice ride to SPCC and were able to talk, rock out to some old school tunes and just be with each other. This was especially wonderful because it was Father's Day and I can't even remember the last Father's Day my dad and I were on good terms-- thank God that we have rekindeled our relationshop. Church was wonderful and Ben's message was more heartfelt than usual and was delivered with such a passion and a cry for us to understand his one prayer of making us generous.

After church we picked up my sister and went to a late lunch at Applebee's where Ash, Dad and I were able to just hang out and have a good time while enjoying some very yummy food.

After lunch, I hung out at home with Ash and then we went to the Warner for her graduation! Of course, I cried the second the bagpipes started playing the first song and all of the seniors entered the room in their caps and gowns. Ashley was 4th from the last of about 350 students to be called, but I have never been more excited for a 30 second period of time where I could just watch my little (well, not so little anymore) sister walk across the stage and receive her diploma that represents so many years of hard work and dedication to her studies. I've never been more proud of anyone for anything in my entire life. She truly means the world to me and it was just crazy to watch her and realize that she has graduated. But this just means that it is that much closer to when she gets to join me at Eastern! Watch out!!

And just when I thought the night couldn't get any better, I called my best friend Delia and spoke with her about her day and what not. She told me that she was going to donate $100 to my Panama trip that I have been and will continue to be saving for. What a beautiful surprise!! Nobody has any idea how much this means to me. (Thank you so much Mae, I love you.)

And ahh! While I was writing this, Andrew called and we were able to catch up a bit. I miss him terribly and am so excited about his awesome opportunity in DC even though it means we don't get to talk much.

Praise God. This day was magnificent.

a bit broken

I feel as though I have been doing great things for myself, and in turn for other people. So why is it that the person I love most in this world feels pushed away by me? I am not going to blame anyone, because I don't believe in that 99% of the time. I will however attribute it to a few things. (1) People are resistant to change-- it is a fact, and a difficult one to deal with. (2) I can have an over-bearing personality at times and although I am aware of it and try to keep a close watch, it can get the best of me. (3) God is a touchy subject. I pray everyday that God will help me to learn how to handle resistance and doubt and negative talk about the church. I praise Jesus for getting through ALL that he did in these areas and much much more.

I am just temporarily broken with the fear that I am going to lose my absolute best friend, the birthday present I received on my 2nd birthday, the high school senior that I will watch graduate this Sunday.. I can't lose her.

"Are you afraid of being afraid?" Part II

If you are someone who keeps up with my blog, then you remember a recent post about how I figured out my fear by accidentaly hearing a coversation with two young girls on the jungle gym at a park. I am afraid of being afraid.

I have been wrestling with this and praying about it for the past week or so, and God has certainly intervened. He has been exposing me to knowledge about fears left and right. I just finished Wild at Heart (which I recommend highly to any man who is looking to understand his design better or any woman who wants a little more insight into what really makes up a man). I was reading through the book pretty quickly and was looking forward to finishing it and reflecting on the entire message. I was tired last night and ready for bed but turned the page and continued reading the next chapter anyway. What I read on the next page was wonderful: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." You may recognize this quote, for it is famous and was spoken by FDR during his inagural speech. The author of Wild at Heart uses many quotes and excerpts from the bible and various books. This one, however was quite fitting.

How perfect. I don't think there could have been any more of an obvious signal to me that God had heard my prayers about my fear. There I was, ready to turn out the light, put the book down and pray, again for the courage to face my fear. Instead, I read just a bit more and went to sleep feeling both comforted and challenged, of which I prefered the second. I don't want to sit around and be fine with being afraid of being afraid, after all-- it is all we really have to fear anyway right? I would rather take it as a challenge, a fire lit beneath me to go out there and face being afraid and grow from those occurences.

I went to sleep last night thankful for my prayer being answered, but little did I know it was only the beginning.

I finished Wild at Heart this morning, and a few hours later began reading In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day. (I have had a real passion for reading lately so figured that I would embrace it and enjoy the sunshine and a few good books this weekend). I read through the first chapter and then the second and was really enjoying it so far, when I came to a section in the third chapter titled "Facing Fears". Imagine that. Two times in two days. (And in my last post I used this same phrase referring to frustrations. God certainly works in unexpected, beautiful ways.)

I came across a sentence which was very confusing to me with my fear in mind: "Your fear is worse than the actual thing you're afraid of." Hmm. If that is true than that means that my fear of being afraid is actually worse than being afraid- how encouraging, for real! The next sentence set in stone the fact that God has prepared me to go out and face my fears: "And if you learn from every mistake, then there is no such thing as failure anyway." I am a firm believer in learning from mistakes and probably use it as my biggest piece of advice to people. These two sentences were just phenomenal together and spoke volumes to me.

Two times in two days. I was shown that God has heard my prayer and seen that he has delivered. He has showered me with words of comfort, challenge, encouragement and love.

So I'm afraid of being afraid, and ready to look that in the eye. Ready to stand up to any fear I face and learn from whatever the outcome may be.

I don't get it.

Two times in two days.

First, a very good friend of mine who I have been close to for over 2 years told me that I wasn't sincere in telling him that I love him. I asked him why, upset and confused about his statement and he snapped back "because you throw around the word to everyone and so loosely".

Second, my ex boyfriend of 3 years explained that he didn't understand why I wanted to hang out with him. I explained that it is because he was a very good friend of mine and I would like to maintain that friendship. He went on to explain that he couldn't hang out with me because he doesn't know who I am, that "my entire existence is formulated on the gratifications of others and serving others".

Wow.

I have learned that loving is so much more than an intimate feeling between two lovers, or an evergrowing bond between a daughter and her mother or an established relationship between friends. Yes, love is all of these things, but as I touched on in a previous post, there is so much more meaning; at least in my heart. This is not to say that because I show acts of love to many more people than I used to that my close friends and family are loved and less or that my love for them is suddenly insincere. If anything, over the past few months I have strengthened the most important relationships in my life and enhanced that love.

And along with loving comes serving. Helping other people is something that I have loved doing since I was young. From helping my mom as a child, to being there for my friends when they needed advice.. and now it has grown and matured and I am so thankful. I am so grateful that I do all of the serving that I do. I know that I spend a lot of time doing it, but to say that entire existentence is made up of the gratifications of other people really stung.

It made it out to seem like I am a people pleaser, which reminded me of a recent verse I have read in the Bible.

Am I now trying to win human approval, or God's approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. -Galatians 1:10

I highlighted this passage when meditating on His word the other night and recognized that at a point in my life (middle school-ish) I was certainly a people pleaser.. but weren't we all at some point? Always wanted to be recognized for my grades, told "good job" and what not. Now, I prefer to serve when few to nobody else knows about it. I have learned over the years that it isn't important to be praised. Yes, my aim is to make the people I am serving happy, but for goodness sake, is that a bad thing?

Am I awful for loving? For serving? For growing?

Please, don't feel as though I am asking for you to comment on this and tell me "Chels, you're a great person" or "You do great things to help others and that's awesome". I am venting. I am frustrated. I simply thank you for listening.