Alone? I think not.

“What can I do for you. What questions do you have?” One of my closest friends asked me this last night when we were just hanging out, getting into the word and journaling a bit. “Umm, nothing really. I think that as I continue reading the bible that I will have questions. And I have yet come to that place in my journey where I have any doubts or major struggles.” That was my response.

It was like God heard me and chuckled a little and realized that maybe I better get a quick look at the not so beautiful. “Today” started with me praying before bed that my hours of rest would rejuvenate me and help me to prepare for the rest of the day. I woke up and prayed that I would see God in more parts of my day than I had in the previous. It started off great. I enjoyed the beautiful weather, worked on the Better World Books service project and went out with Mae for a bit. Then I had class and shortly after that headed to Lyon Manor with my PHP friends.

This is where it gets weird. I love community service. I love my PHPeople. I love playing UNO with the residents of Lyon Manor. I love seeing the smiles on their faces that I can picture usually looking much sadder. I love the feeling of helping others. Yet, I was not happy. I was not feeling loving. I felt cold and angry and annoyed.

The worst part- I had no idea why. I got on the van and came back to campus the same way. People were in the back seat dancing and singing and having a great time and I was praying, asking for an answer as to why in the world I couldn’t get a smile on my face and stop acting so ridiculous.

I opened the door to my room, fell onto my bed and wept. Again- with no idea why. I stayed on my bed like this for a long time. Wondering why.

All of a sudden, an immense feeling of loneliness came over me. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to hug. Nobody to hold me. Just nobody. I contemplated just crawling under my covers and crying until I fell asleep, but something inside me told me get up and get out.

I went to the Student Center where they serve pancakes every Thursday night. I brought along a book and my journal, figuring that I would just get something to eat and sit alone reading and writing. (Usually I look forward to this, but tonight it was more just to keep my busy). I walked into the Café reluctantly, and the first thing I saw was Andrew’s smiling face. He greeted me with a huge hug and from there, we really enjoyed the night together. I saw God in this moment, in a big way.

Looking back (even though it was just earlier tonight), do I think that this was a huge struggle? No, not really. Was it difficult to feel angry and very upset and not no why? Yes, extremely.

It’s as though God just wanted to show me that it’s not always going to be rainbows and butterflies, and I am thankful for this glimpse of something different.

Crying in my bed overcome with feelings of loneliness. I have learned that in these times, I need to just take a deep breath and talk to God. He is always there. Always listening. Whenever. Wherever.