I don't get it.

Two times in two days.

First, a very good friend of mine who I have been close to for over 2 years told me that I wasn't sincere in telling him that I love him. I asked him why, upset and confused about his statement and he snapped back "because you throw around the word to everyone and so loosely".

Second, my ex boyfriend of 3 years explained that he didn't understand why I wanted to hang out with him. I explained that it is because he was a very good friend of mine and I would like to maintain that friendship. He went on to explain that he couldn't hang out with me because he doesn't know who I am, that "my entire existence is formulated on the gratifications of others and serving others".

Wow.

I have learned that loving is so much more than an intimate feeling between two lovers, or an evergrowing bond between a daughter and her mother or an established relationship between friends. Yes, love is all of these things, but as I touched on in a previous post, there is so much more meaning; at least in my heart. This is not to say that because I show acts of love to many more people than I used to that my close friends and family are loved and less or that my love for them is suddenly insincere. If anything, over the past few months I have strengthened the most important relationships in my life and enhanced that love.

And along with loving comes serving. Helping other people is something that I have loved doing since I was young. From helping my mom as a child, to being there for my friends when they needed advice.. and now it has grown and matured and I am so thankful. I am so grateful that I do all of the serving that I do. I know that I spend a lot of time doing it, but to say that entire existentence is made up of the gratifications of other people really stung.

It made it out to seem like I am a people pleaser, which reminded me of a recent verse I have read in the Bible.

Am I now trying to win human approval, or God's approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. -Galatians 1:10

I highlighted this passage when meditating on His word the other night and recognized that at a point in my life (middle school-ish) I was certainly a people pleaser.. but weren't we all at some point? Always wanted to be recognized for my grades, told "good job" and what not. Now, I prefer to serve when few to nobody else knows about it. I have learned over the years that it isn't important to be praised. Yes, my aim is to make the people I am serving happy, but for goodness sake, is that a bad thing?

Am I awful for loving? For serving? For growing?

Please, don't feel as though I am asking for you to comment on this and tell me "Chels, you're a great person" or "You do great things to help others and that's awesome". I am venting. I am frustrated. I simply thank you for listening.